The Evils of AU
by ArtikGato
Summary: A story born of one authoress's undying hatred for all the crapfics on the net. No genre is unparodied! No pairing is safe, not even the ones I personally support! Nothing is sacred, and it's all for the sake of humor!
1. The Sephiroth Complex

**The Evils of AU**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.

Author's Notes: This is one of those fics where offense should be taken by no-one and yet everyone at the SAME TIME! Gweehee! That's right, I'm bashing everyone and everything! Cannon and non-cannon, NPC's and real characters! No pairing is safe, not even the ones I personally support! Nothing is sacred!

...so, could ya guys, like, not flame me? It's all in good humor and all. I'm not making fun of any individual stories or authors, y'know.

Ahem...and now I present to you...

**The Evils of AU!**

**Chapter One: The Sephiroth Complex**

The tension was so thick in the Highwind's meeting room; one could cut it with a knife. It was such a completely tangible tension that the save point, healer, and PHS all wrapped up into one random NPC, who shall henceforth be named Godzilla, was beginning to feel nervous. No, nervous could not describe the feeling of abject terror that had settled itself in the pit if Godzilla's stomach. Something bad was going to happen, and he knew it. He could feel it coming.

The entirety of Avalanche was sitting around the meeting room table. Well, that wasn't really an accurate description, considering that Barret and Tifa were the only _real_ members of Avalanche, maybe also Cloud. The rest of this motley crew was just along for the ride, and so writers the internet over had begun to include them in Avalanche, because it was easier than writing "Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cait Sith were sitting around the table in the Highwind's meeting room."

In any case, Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cait Sith were all sitting around the table in the Highwind's meeting room. No-one was speaking, for they were all waiting for the right moment to announce their news...and boy, did all of them have big news!

Finally, every single one of them arrived at the conclusion that they had reached their perfect moment, and, in unison, they all exclaimed "I have an announcement!"

Of course, they were all quite surprised, considering the fact that everyone was perfectly synchronized with everyone else, so the room returned to tense silence for a few more moments. Everyone was waiting for someone else to speak first, to announce their big news, so no-one really said anything until they all, finally, decided to be the first one to speak.

At the exact same time.

"I've decided to go declare my undying love for Sephiroth!" they all shouted, in perfect unison.

Godzilla's cry of utter horror and dismay as he fell to the floor, attempting to claw the mental images out of his brain, was largely ignored by Avalanche as they all stared at each other in shock for a few minutes. Cloud was the first to speak.

"...so, you're all in love with Sephiroth too?" he asked, timidly.

"$# yeah! How could we not be, with those big $#$#in' muscles and those gorgeous silken $# locks of silver hair!" Cid demanded, and Cloud shuddered a little involuntarily.

"Cid, you're straight. You have a wife," Cloud reminded him, and Cid scoffed.

"Are you $#in' kidding? I hate women! Why the $# do you think I always yell at $$ Shera! I'm totally $#in' gay!" the pilot replied. Cloud just arched an eyebrow, and decided to move on to the next person for the sake of sanity.

That next person just happened to be Tifa.

"Tifa, you're not in love with Sephiroth, you're in love with me. Besides, he killed your father, burned Nibelheim to the ground, and sliced you from head to toe!" Cloud exclaimed to the brunette. She sighed, dreamily.

"Yeah, but (censored due to sexual implications)!" Tifa replied. Cloud blinked, stunned by her logic.

"Can't argue with that," he replied.

"Sho' can't!" Barret exclaimed. Cloud turned to him.

"All right, Barret! You have a daughter! You had a wife! There is no possible way that you're gay! And you hate Sephiroth, or at least that's what all the fanfiction writers would have us believe!" Cloud exclaimed.

"Well, Cloud," Barret started, sighing heavily, "I was actually gay all along. I had feelings for Dyne, but I knew he was straight, seeing as how Marlene's his daughter and all, so I hid my feelings and married some woman to try and un-gayify myself, but it didn't really work, and through a really, really, REALLY strange coincidence, Sephiroth looks almost identical to Dyne...'cept he's paler and has long silver hair and two hands and wears bondage gear for clothing," Barret replied. Cloud wasn't sure what he was surprised by more, the fact that Barret had just confessed to being gay, or the fact that he hadn't thrown in a ton of random senseless 'black folk slang' into his little speech.

"...right," was Cloud's response, as he moved on to the next person.

"Red...or Nanaki, or whatever the hell your name is...you're a cat...or a dog, or something," Cloud told the canine/feline hybrid.

"Umm...actually, I'm a deformed hairy elephant," Red replied.

"Right, well, you're not even the same species as Sephiroth, that's for sure, so you can't be in love with him," the spiky-headed leader pointed out.

"But species doesn't matter when it comes to true LURVE! I'm sure Sephiroth wouldn't mind a little bestiality!" Red replied, his one eye misting over as a dreamlike trance overtook him. Cloud sweatdropped (despite the fact that Final Fantasy 7 is, in fact, a video game and not an anime) and decided to just move along.

He rolled his eyes when he saw who was next in line.

"Yuffie, everyone here knows you're in love with me, or Vincent, or Reno, or even all three. And if not, you're secretly in love with Cid, Barret, Tifa, Red, Cait, Reeve, the learner pilot, Rude, Aeris, or Bugenhagen," Cloud said. Yuffie sputtered indignantly.

"NononononononononoNOWAY! I am, like, so totally in love with Sephy-poo! He's just so dreamy with those big rippling muscles and that HAIR and..." she swooned in her chair and fell unconscious, drooling all over the table in her sleep.

"...okay, that was weird," Cloud started, then shook his head. "No, I take it back… that was _normal_. So what about you, Vincent?" he asked, turning to the next person in line.

"I have miraculously decided to stop angsting over a dead woman, get over my love for Hojo, avoided falling in love with Cid, Tifa, Yuffie and yourself, and began lusting after what may quite possibly be my own son," the normally quiet man announced.

"Well, THAT was enigmatic," Cloud replied, sarcastically.

"After all, if the fanfiction authors are okay with yaoi, bestiality, necrophilia and lolita, then surely incest is fine," Vincent added.

"Not just incest, Vincent, _yaoi_ incest," Cloud pointed out.

"It's not as if it matters, anyway. I have demons in my head, and apparently I have to eat the kidneys of small children in order to appease them,"

"Hokay, moving right along," Cloud said, hurriedly. He was finally nearing the end! Cloud could see the light at the end of the tunnel! Of course, then the proverbial Doomtrain smacked into him when he saw who was last. He sighed.

"Cait...you're a robot," he said.

"So! Robots can't love, HUH! That's discrimination! DISCRIMINATION!" Cait shouted.

"...I'm pretty sure it's not even physically possible for you to...oh, never mind," he said, sighing and standing up from his seat.

"Not so fast, Cloud! What about you!" Tifa exclaimed, catching him by the arm as he walked by.

"Eh?" he asked.

"Yeah, foo! Everyone here knows you're in love wit' Aeris and Tifa! Why're you in love wit' Sephiroth!" Barret demanded. Cloud sighed.

"Well, obviously I'm gay since I spend SO much time on my hair every morning, and considering the fact that I'm around Tifa so much and haven't made any sort of move on her. Because, obviously, since I don't hit on her constantly and try to grab her boobs or ass, I'm not interested in her at ALL and therefore I MUST be gay," he said. Everyone conscious nodded.

"Makes sense," they all said.

"So, what are we going to do about this? We cannot simply just abandon our quest to go profess our undying love to Sephiroth," Red pointed out.

"Sure we can, Reddy!" Yuffie exclaimed, finally back in the world of consciousness. "After all, the plot doesn't matter when it comes to out-of-cannon romances!"

"I propose that we all go to the North Crater together," Vincent said.

"Why?" Cloud asked, confused.

"If we all $#in' confess our undying $#'in love to Sephiroth at the same time, he'll have to $#in' pick one of $$Q#4 us! We don't wanna put $#in' Sephy through that kinda $#$#$W$$ stress!" Cid exclaimed, glaring at everyone and everything as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"Or even better! We could all just have a gigantic orgy with Sephiroth!" Cait exclaimed.

"All right then, it's settled! Our destination is North Crater!" Cloud exclaimed. Everyone jumped out of their seats and pumped their fists into the air, with a resounding cry of "YEAH!". The scene turned into a painting, and random laughter could be heard in the background, along with the cries of anguish from Godzilla.

A FEW HOURS LATER, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE NORTH CRATER...

"SEPHIROOOOTTTTHHHHH!" Cloud roared as he charged into the room where the final battle with Sephiroth was supposed to take place. The rest of Avalanche followed him in...

...only to have every single one of them drop their weapons and jaws in unison at the sight before them.

"A-Aeris! You're supposed to be dead!" Cloud exclaimed, pointing a shaking finger at the pink-clad flower girl who was standing behind a sitting Sephiroth, massaging his shoulders. Sephiroth creaked one eye open, sighed a little, and then launched into a bout of maniacal laughter.

'Cuz, y'know, he's evil and so he has to do the trademark 'evil person laugh'. It's in the contract.

"So Strife, you and your band of misfits have finally-" he started, but was cut off by a cry of "WHAT THE HELL!" from all of Avalanche. He sighed again.

"What the hell are you doing alive, Aeris! And with HIM!" Cloud demanded.

"After I killed her I realized that she was my One True Love and I simply could not exist without her by my side. So, I resurrected her with my awesome, god-like powers. After a few weeks of constant bickering and nearly unbearable sexual tension, I finally confessed my undying love to her, and she agreed to live with me here for the rest of our lives," Sephiroth informed them. Everyone turned to look at Aeris, who nodded with a big, sweet smile, and wrapped her arms around Sephiroth's neck.

"You forgot to mention all of the death threats we made to each other, Sephy-chan," Aeris said.

"I thought we said we were never going to speak of those again, _darling_?" Sephiroth asked, one eyebrow twitching dangerously.

Meanwhile, Avalanche were all weeping on the ground in utter and complete _angst_.

"It's not fair! I'M supposed to be the one who exchanges witty banter with Sephiroth!" Tifa wailed piteously.

"Sephiroth is supposed to be attracted to my big manly muscles, not her long silky locks of hair and average-sized boobs!" Cloud exclaimed, pounding on the ground in utter anguish.

"My gruff $# exterior and utterly sexy maniless was supposed to be &$in' attractive to Sephiroth!" Cid shouted.

"He was supposed to slowly crack my rough exterior and find that I am actually a shy and insecure person on the inside!" Barret snapped.

"What about the bestiality, Sephy? The _BEASTIALITY!_" Red demanded.

"A passionate round of man-sex with the demi-sex-god that is Sephiroth was supposed to completely cure me of my all-encompassing angst! Now I have to settle for a bratty teenaged kleptomaniac!" Vincent angsted.

"My l33t ninja skillz and cute, innocent charms were supposed to impress Sephiroth so much that he decided to stop Meteor and come live a peaceful life in Wutai with me!" Yuffie whined.

"I was supposed to be his 'toy'!" Cait cried.

Further cries from the wailing heap of Avalanche were cut off as seven people rushed into the North Crater, barely stopping before tripping over Avalanche, and all shouted in unison, "SEPHIROTH! WE LOVE YOUUUU!"

They all suddenly blinked, and turned on each other.

"Reno, you're straight! Back off, Sephy's MINE!" Elena shouted.

"No way, Elena!" Reno exclaimed.

"You're both wrong! Sephy loves ME!" Rude shouted at both of them.

"As your senior Turk, I command you all to back off and let ME have him!" Tseng shouted.

"Shut up, Tseng! You're DEAD!" All three Turks exclaimed.

"You're all wrong! Sephiroth belongs with ME!" Reeve yelled.

"Why would Sephiroth want any of YOU! He's obviously attracted to my good looks, money, and power!" Rufus Shinra informed them all.

"You're all mistaken! Sephiroth obviously has a parent complex, since he's so obsessed with Jenova, so he must obviously be attracted to ME!" Hojo shouted.

As they were all distracted, Sephiroth and Aeris managed to escape through the hidden back door of the North Crater on Golden Chocobos. They spent the rest of their days on Round Island, playing poker with the Knights of the Round (who were, incidentally, all in love with Sephiroth as well but were too ashamed to admit it).

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Amazingly enough, I don't really even LIKE Aeris x Sephiroth pairings that much. (shrug)


	2. OMQ! Best Storyline EVAR!

**The Evils of AU**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.

Author's Notes: Ah yes, children, it is I! Artikgato, back by popular demand to bring you chapter two! Now, a little warning in advance.

THIS CHAPTER IS NOT AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE.

In fact, I don't think it's possible for me to write a BETTER chapter than the first one. It was just that good. Not to say this chapter isn't good or anything, but it's certainly not as good as chapter one was.

For one thing, there's less shounen-ai/yaoi. waves goodbye to all the fangirls Sorry! Come back for chapter four, though, there's plenty of shounen-ai/yaoi implications in that chapter.

Also, there's less Sephiroth in this chapter. waves goodbye to the rest of the fangirls ; He's back next chapter, I promise!

This is also, I think, a lot less funny than the last chapter. It's got less to do with my rabid, weasel-like hatred for all of the crap-fics on this website and all over the 'net, and more to do with my random wonderings while playing the game. Specifically, I started to wonder how my characters were feeling when I finally beat both Weapons… and stuff. So, read on if you want to.

Warnings: While there are considerably less pairings and implications of pairings than LAST chapter, they ARE still there. Don't take offense to any of them. They are purely for fun, I promise!

Note: if you see $#! anywhere, it's Cid swearing. Stupid stole away my curse censoring symbols! TT

And, as usual, please don't flame me, nothing is sacred…yadda yadda yadda…

**Chapter Two: OMQ! Best Storyline EVAR!**

"So let me get this straight, Cloud," Tifa started. "We're going on a quest to defeat a giant cactus and obtain him as a Summon?"

"Yes, Tifa, that's exactly it. Then we will go kill a lot of Tonberries until their king arrives-" Cloud began, but was cut off as Cid smacked him in the back of the head with his spear.

"$#! Stop readin' the Final Fantasy VIII strategy guide, ya damn idiot!" the blonde pilot barked, ripping the book mercilessly from the hands of his somewhat idiotic leader and throwing it into a conveniently placed fire.

"B-but...the Summons!" Cloud whined.

"Fer chrissakes, we've already got plentya $#$$ Summons already!" Cid snapped.

"Yeah, we've got Knights of the Round, Cloud! What more do you WANT!" Yuffie demanded.

"But Yuffie, if we get the Cactuar and Tonberry as Summons, we'll get their materia too!" Cloud informed her. An evil look suddenly passed over her face.

"What are you people WAITING for! Let's go get those summons!" she exclaimed. Everyone but Yuffie and Cloud sighed.

"But they don't _exist_ in this game! We'd have to dimension hop over to Final Fantasy VIII, and we've already broken the fourth wall enough in this chapter!" Tifa replied.

"As short as it may be, so far." Red added, nodding solemnly.

"Aww, c'mon guys! They could be SECRET summons!" Yuffie tried, but to no avail, as Vincent slapped his human hand over her mouth and began to drag her off down the hall.

"Come on, Yuffie. Let's...get you to bed," he said. She finally wrenched his hand away from her mouth.

"But it's four in the afternoon!" she protested. Everyone shuddered at the smirk on Vincent's face as he continued to lead her away.

"Why do we allow those two to be a couple? It's creepy..." Tifa wondered.

"Because I can't really stand either of them, frankly," Cloud informed her, and then turned back to the rest of his group.

"Well in that case, what else do you suggest we do?" he asked them.

"Well...we could go on a suicidal campaign to attempt to destroy the Weapons that are currently minding their own business?" Cait suggested. A gleam flashed into Cloud's eyes as he thought about killing the weapons.

"Yes...let's go do that!" he exclaimed.

"Cloud, we all know how much you love to kill things...but the weapons are ridiculously overpowered," Tifa told him.

"Not any more ridiculously overpowered than any author-created force of ultimate destruction that we'll have to face," Cloud replied. Tifa sighed.

"Okay...you win," she said, hanging her head low.

"Woo hoo! KILLING! All right!" Cloud exclaimed, jumping for joy.

"$$!" Barret swore, joining Cloud in his 'yay we get to kill things!' dance. Cid muttered a few curses and promptly made his way to the bridge, to inform the learner pilot that they were heading for the desert near Golden Saucer.

A FEW MONTHS LATER, IN THE TOWN OF KALM...

The dirty, weary, and definitely worse-for-the-wear pack of warriors trudged up the steps to the Traveler's house.

"Amazing how it's been a few months and yet Meteor hasn't fallen yet, isn't it?" Tifa commented.

"Yeah, well, I guess it's just slow," Cloud grumbled as he knocked on the door to the Traveler's house for the fifth time.

"What're you DOING, Cloud! We NEVER knock on anyone's door! We just kinda go in, tromp around the house, steal stuff, sleep in their beds, terrorize their children, and have a merry 'ole time!" Yuffie reminded him.

"Oh! Right!" Cloud exclaimed, smacking himself on the forehead. And so they proceeded to tromp around the Traveler's house.

"Oh my!" the traveler exclaimed as he peeked through their inventory, which was stashed in an interdimensional hyperspace pocket, along with their weapons and materia. "You have the Earth Harp and the Desert Rose, proof that you beat Emerald and Ruby Weapon!"

"Umm...yeah?" Cloud asked.

"Can I have them! I'll reward you grandly!" he exclaimed.

"Well, okay, I guess," Cloud replied, exchanging glances with the rest of his teammates. The traveler took the two items out of the hyperspace pocket and ran off, giggling and shouting "I'll be right back!"

"What a weirdo," Yuffie commented, staring after him.

A few minutes later, the man returned, leading a golden chocobo by the reigns and holding three larger-than-normal Materia.

"Here you go, my friends! A complete set of Master materia and a golden chocobo!" he said, handing the Materia to a gleeful Yuffie and the chocobo to a rather stunned Cloud.

"But...we already _have_ a set of Master Materia...we got it trying to find a way to beat the Weapons...and bred ten golden chocobos to find-"

"Enjoy them, my friends! I must be leaving now, I have to travel some more!" the man said and skipped off, whistling a jaunty tune.

At least, he _tried_ to skip off. In fact, he would have been quite successful at skipping off if it weren't for Cloud's hand clamped rather tightly around his shoulder.

"We spent MONTHS training to defeat Ruby and Emerald weapon, and all the compensation we get is SOME FREAKING MATERIA AND A GOLDEN BIRD!" Cloud demanded.

"Umm...well..." the traveler sputtered. And, unfortunately for him and Mrs. Traveler and little Traveler Jr., those were the last words he spoke before he was quite brutally murdered by the merry band of travelers, and the Golden Chocobo (who had hated him from the start because she was the result of freak inbreeding, y'know).

After the beating was done, they commenced to pillage the Traveler's house.

"Hey guys, check out what I found!" Yuffie exclaimed, holding up a small book.

"What's that?" Tifa asked, but before Yuffie could reply, the booklet was swiped from her hands by Cloud.

"Gameshark codes!" he exclaimed, with a maniacal joy that made everyone edge away from him.

"Game...shark...codes?" Red asked, apprehensively.

"What the #$# are those!" Barret demanded. Cloud grinned quite evilly.

"With these I can do all SORTS of things! See, watch!" he exclaimed, and pointed the booklet at Cid.

"Spike, what're ya doing?" the pilot asked, fearfully. Cloud grinned an evil grin, and a beam of light shot out of the booklet and hit Cid.

"Oh, that is JUST NOT FUNNY," Cideroth growled when the smoke cleared.

"I can turn someone into Aeris, too!" Cloud exclaimed, oblivious to the look of D34TH Cideroth was sending him.

"Spike, turn me back!" Cideroth demanded, even as Cloud looked around the group for a new victim. He stopped at Tifa, and the brunette burst into tears.

"I always knew you loved her and not me!" Tifa wailed.

"Tough break, Tif!" he said, and with a blast of light Aerfa stood before the group, still bawling.

"Stop it, Cloud! This is getting out of hand!" Red exclaimed, trying to console the weeping Aerfa. Yuffie growled and smacked him on the back of the head.

"Moron! **_I _**found the codes!" she exclaimed, stealing the book back from Cloud and promptly changing Cideroth back to Cid and Aerfa back to Tifa.

"Thanks, brat. That was scary," Cid thanked her, glad to be back in his own body. Tifa just nodded, drying her eyes.

"Oh come on, guys! I was just joking around!" Cloud exclaimed. Tifa stalked up to him, glaring in hatred.

"Cloud Strife, that's _it!_ I'm done lusting over you!" she exclaimed, giving him a good solid kick where the sun don't shine. He crumpled to the ground like a rag doll as the rest of the assembled party cringed for him. "We are SO through! I'm going to go have a night of hot passionate sex with Reno!" she shouted, and ran off. Everyone watched her go and sweatdropped (again, despite the fact that this is a game and not anime), not saying a word.

"What'd...I...do?" Cloud croaked.

"Well Cloud, you flat out told her that you'd rather have her dead and Aeris alive than the other way around," Red said.

"When did I say THAT!" Cloud demanded. Everyone just shook their heads, Barret making his way over to Cloud and offering his good hand to him to help him stand up.

"You gots a lotta learn 'bout women, foo'," he said as he pulled the blonde to a standing position. Cloud scoffed.

"Well, anyway, I'm definitely through with her. From now on, I'm going after Yuffie!" he announced.

"Just try it, Strife, and I'll kill you," Vincent warned, red eyes glaring balefully at the younger man. Yuffie's grin was nearly face-splitting.

"Woo yeah! Go at it, boys! Rawr!" she shouted, and everyone except her, Vincent and Cloud just decided to turn and walk away.

"I ain't touchin' that with a $#$ ten-foot pole," Cid said.

"I agree," Red, Barret and Cait chorused.

And somewhere in the distance, a cry of "WOO YEAH!" was heard, followed by a cry of "I HATE YOU, RENO!", followed by another, much quieter cry of "Elena, calm down!". And all was at peace in the world.

Well, actually, it wasn't, because in the bowels of the Earth, or Gaia, or whatever the Planet's name is, Sephiroth's ghost was stirring, planning revenge on the-

No, no, wait, this is _before_ they killed him. Whoops! Never mind.

END CHAPTER TWO

No, I don't like Tifa x Reno pairings, either. Although I DO support Yuffie x Vincent...eh heh...


	3. We Put the Random in Random Battles!

**The Evils of AU**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.

Author's Notes: I'm SOOORRRRYYYYY this took me so long to upload! I try not to upload a chapter until I've written the chapter after it, but unfortunately I hit a major case of writer's block for this story!

…that writer's block came in the form of KH2 Sephiroth, who just _demanded_ that I defeat him before I could move on with my life.

So, in honor of that silver-haired bishounen, the next chapter, whenever I get around to _writing _it, will be a KH2 chapter. So, yeah, sorry everybody. And guess what? The fifth chapter will most likely be an Advent Children chapter, since it comes out THIS WEEK!

Oh, and again this chapter isn't as good as the first one. I just don't think I can trump that one. It's a very good chapter, though, in my humble opinion. Just be warned for…umm, fruitcakishness. And stuff. And I apologize in advance for all the Sephiroth fangirls, who will most probably come to my door with torches and pitchforks…

And, one last note: THANK YOU to all my reviewers! And to everyone who said that the last chapter was good. You all rock so much! So thank you, again, to: Sorceress Fujin, Wildcat6, xXBrightEyesXx (yes, how COULD everyone not be in love with Seph?), Moonlight's Echo, StDogbert, PsychDragoonX, Anonymous, Stuffness, and Lahz (and thanks for the review on my other story)! Hehe, I don't normally do the whole 'thank the reviewers' thing, but I figure that this story is so far outside of my normal boundaries anyway that it's okay.

And noooowwww, the event you've all been waiting for!

**Chapter Three: We Put the "Random" in Random Battles!**

"So why again, Cloud, are we running around in this forest in huge circles?" Tifa asked.

"I told you once, we're leveling up," Cloud replied, Ultima Weapon slicing through another Toxic Frog as easily as a hot knife cutting through butter. Or something.

"Why?" she asked. Cloud stopped running abruptly and faced her, as the rest of the group ran up, some panting for breath.

"Well I, for one, want to be level 99 when we face Sephiroth," Cloud replied, glaring at her a little. Tifa sighed and reached into the interdimensional space pocket that was their inventory, and pulled out a book.

"Cloud, the strategy guide says that we don't even have to be level 50 to beat Sephiroth, it all depends on the level of our Materia and how skilled the player is," Tifa said, pointing to a section of the guide. Cloud scoffed.

"Nonsense! I must be level 99! I MUST!" he shouted. The brunette sighed and tossed the book aside. The hole in space hastily moved to intercept the book, and then winked out of existence.

"It's not as if it matters. You're still destined to be beaten up by a ten-year-old boy with a giant key," Tifa informed him. He blinked over at her.

"How do you know about that? You're not in that game!" Cloud demanded. She grinned and held up two fingers.

"I'm in the sequel," she said.

"Oh! You got served!" Yuffie called from the back of the group, but was largely ignored.

"Well, great for you," Cloud replied to Tifa, and turned around, stalking away.

"Aww, come on Cloud! It's the truth!" Tifa called after him, running to catch up. And so they began the endless cycle of random battles all over again.

And, eventually, they made it to the North Crater. By foot. Despite the fact that Gongaga is not only thousands of miles away from the North Crater, but also separated by an ocean or two.

"Clouuuudd! I'm TIRED of fighting Tonberries! Let's just go kick Sephiroth's ass!" Yuffie whined. The blonde leader whirled on her, eyes narrowed and slightly psychotic looking.

"Is Cait Sith at level 99 yet?" he asked.

"No, but it doesn't-" Yuffie started, but he cut her off.

"Well then, we'll just have to keep fighting these random battles until he IS!" Cloud exclaimed. A Behemoth stomped into view. Tifa, who'd by then had it with Cloud's insane 'leveling up', stomped up to the beast and poked it on the horn, instantly killing it.

"Cloud, it doesn't matter if Cait Sith is level 99! He's a wimp! The rest of us can kill most of the monsters here by LOOKING at them! Let's just go fight Sephiroth!" Tifa exclaimed.

"NO!" he exclaimed.

"YES!" everyone else exclaimed, leaping on him and beating him to near death with their weapons, armor, and their collection of knives that they pillaged from the Tonberry Kings they had been fighting.

"Okay...fine..." he croaked from his position on the floor as a heap of bruised Cloud.

"$#! Finally!" Cid cursed, as Red and Barret sang the hallelujah chorus in the background. After everyone recovered from their temporary 'deaf' status brought on by the horribly ghastly duet, they continued on with their journey.

And so, with new resolve, the ragtag team of warriors set off toward the bottom of the crater and their greatest enemy, taking the first step toward their destiny...

...and were promptly bombarded with battle music and several monsters.

"ARGH!" they chorused as the Random Battle began.

However, before any of them could take their turns, Yuffie pointed out something.

"Uh, guys? These aren't normal monsters," she said. And it was true, standing in front of them were several monsters unlike anything they'd ever seen before.

They looked rather like octopi. _Rainbow colored_ octopi.

"What are these octopi doing in the middle of North Crater?" Tifa asked.

"We are no ordinary octopi!" the octopi chorused, and everyone jumped, recovering from the mild heart attack induced by the fact that these random octopi just _spoke_.

"We are the five elemental octopi of the planet Zor-" they started, but were promptly cut off as a loud BANG! rang out through the cavern, and all five octopi fell to the ground, motionless. Everyone turned to see Vincent ever so calmly lowering his smoking Death Penalty, the 'slash all' materia in his gun glowing fiercely.

"Umm...why'd you do that, Vinnie?" Yuffie asked. He turned to her with a neutral expression on his face.

"I **hate** octopi," he said. Everyone sweatdropped (and again, despite the fact that this is a ga- OW! You didn't have to HIT me!).

"Well...that was interesting. Let's just...go fight Sephiroth," Cloud said, taking another step forward.

This time, a creature not unlike a moose stepped into view.

"Behold! I am Moose-zilla! I am here to defeat you!" the moose exclaimed. A second later he had several bullet-holes in him, and fell over dead.

"Don't tell me you have a deadly hatred for mooses now, Barret," Cait said, as everyone stared at Barret.

"Nah, I jus' felt like killin' somethin'," Barret said.

"Hey! Random killing is MY job!" Cloud exclaimed, turning to Barret. He suddenly jumped out of the way, to narrowly avoid being hit by Yuffie's shuriken as it spun past him.

"Yuffie!" he exclaimed, but turned around suddenly when he heard the shuriken connect with something distinctly...alive.

"Ow!" exclaimed the giant penguin, as it fell over dead. Yuffie attempted to run up and grab her shuriken from the dead penguin's body, but was suddenly pulled back by Cid, and out of the way of a deadly stream of fondue cheese.

"Blast! I missed!" the fondue pot exclaimed, only to have its life ended tragically by Red XIII.

"Octopi, mooses and penguins I can stand, but _talking fondue pots_! Someone must be messing with the game's programming," Red XIII informed them.

"Let's just make a run for the bottom of the crater!" Cloud exclaimed, and everyone nodded in affirmation, turning and running away screaming. Yuffie managed to grab her Conformer before running off screaming and flailing her arms, as a host of random things ran after them.

"Come back! Let us fight you!" a toaster exclaimed, shooting burnt toast out of itself at the retreating warriors.

"Get back here!" a giant aardvark shouted after them.

"Happens _every_ time," sighed a lamp.

The ragtag group of warriors made it down to the bottom of the North Crater in record time.

"SEPHIROOOOTHHHH!" Cloud roared as he ran into the room where the battle with Sephiroth was supposed to occur, sword first. The rest of Avalance followed him in...

...only to have every single one of them drop their weapons and their jaws at the sight before them.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" they all shouted, dropping to the floor in unison and trying to claw their eyes out. Sephiroth glared.

"Oh, what, so a guy can't cross-dress every once in a while?" Sephiroth demanded, glaring at them. "You're behind schedule, anyway. You were supposed to be here _months_ ago,"

"Se-sephiroth...why are you wearing _that_!" Cloud demanded, rising to his feet and shielding his eyes from the horrible sight before him.

"Well, when I killed her I realized that she had an impeccable fashion sense, so I waited until after you all left, and went and 'borrowed' it," Sephiroth replied. Cloud twitched.

"So, you stole a dead girl's clothes? You're more twisted then I thought," Cloud growled.

"Look, it even still has the hole from where I stabbed her!" he said, pointing to a gaping hole in the dress, near his stomach. "The blood all washed out, though," he said, pouting a little.

"Wait a second, so that means that Aeris is all...naked down there?" Yuffie asked, raising an eyebrow. "What'll happen the next time she gets resurrected?"

As if on cue, there was a shriek of "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CLOTHES!" from the general direction of the City of the Ancients.

"Look, Sephiroth, we're supposed to have our final battle now, so could you PLEASE go change clothes? I don't think I can fight you like this," Cloud requested. Sephiroth sighed.

"Oh, fine," he assented.

"Hey Sephy! You can change right there if you wanna!" Yuffie called from the back of the group. Everyone shot her disgusted looks, while Vincent pouted at her.

"Yuffie..." he said, whining a little.

"Oh, what? I have a basic appreciation for male beauty!" she defended, stomping her foot.

"I'll...be right back. Then we can proceed with the final battle," Sephiroth said, disappearing behind a rock. Before anyone could say or do anything, there was a blinding pink light, and a sudden shout of "HYPER PRETTY GORGEOUS MOON FLOWER PETAL SUPREME SPARKLY TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE!". A pink explosion rocked the crater and disintegrated the rock, leaving Sephiroth standing there...

...wearing a very, very, very pink fuku and holding a pink wand with little pink glittery streamers attached to it.

"When I said CHANGE CLOTHES, I did NOT mean THIS!" Cloud exclaimed, before passing out from the shock of seeing Sephiroth in a sailor suit. The rest of the group followed suit.

Cloud woke with a start, blue eyes looking wildly around the room in fear. Seeing no tall, silver haired men wearing small pink sailor suits, he calmed down quite a bit, taking a few deep breaths, and realizing that he was in a hotel room in the Rocket Town inn.

"What a disturbing dream," he whispered into the night air, flopping back down on his mattress with a sigh.

"You okay, Cloud?" Tifa called from the other side of the room.

"Yeah, I just had this weird dream that we were attacked by all sorts of weird things like fondue pots and penguins, and then we went to go fight Sephiroth only he was wearing Aeris' dress, and then he did a magical girl transformation sequence and was wearing a pink fuku," Cloud said. Tifa was silent.

"Umm...Cloud, that really happened," she said.

"..." said Cloud.

"Cloud?" she asked.

"I'm going back to sleep. When I wake up, you'd better tell me you were kidding,"

END OF CHAPTER THREE

And no, I don't support cross-dressing Sephiroth. I just find it highly amusing.


	4. Resurrection!

**The Evils of AU**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7. I've also lost what little shreds of sanity I had while trying to read some of the monstrosities you people call 'fanfiction'.

Author's Notes: Okay, so it's not KH2, or Advent Children. In fact, I'm amazed that I even managed to write a chapter four, after my 'three chapter curse' on all my humor fics. It seems that I've managed to bump it up to a 'FOUR chapter curse' now…oh well.

Anyway, this pretty much came out of nowhere. I've been reading too many fics that parody those awfully written 'Aeris Resurrection fics', and thus I've sort of come up with my own parody of them. Sort of, in that I've managed to twist it in my own, odd way. (evil grin)

Oh, and as a temporary (read: lazy) fix for the problem with removing all curse symbols, I've replaced all the curses in this story with this: (bleep). Sometimes I add more e's, denoting that the curse is longer and/or stronger than a normal curse word. Just go with it. (rolls eyes)

Also, words cannot describe how much I LOVE the word 'effervescent'. Hee hee hee…

Oh, and that's not a typo. It's _supposed_ to read "Aeristh" or "Aeriths", I promise. Why? Because I'm crazy like that, that's why. I usually spell her name with an 's', as the 'th' bugs me.

**Chapter Four: Resurrection!**

It was a glacially cold winter day, glacially cold as the soul of one who has lost everything and yet continues to slog along in their miserable existence of a life. Icicles decorated the miserable countenance of Ajit, the Forgotten Capital, and frigid winds howled across the barren landscape and icy rain pelted the ground, tears of pain and anger from the heavens above.

It was on this frozen, deplorable day that Cloud Strife trudged forward through the cold winds and icy rain, making slow but steady progress toward the largest of the shell-like buildings decorating the piteous landscape of the Forgotten Capital. The once-healthy leader of Avalanche had taken a turn for the worse since the end of Chapter Three, or so it seemed. Before the start of this fateful chapter, he had been youthful, powerful and handsome, with rippling muscles and all that good, masculine stuff. Now his body was thin and emaciated, his skin pale, and his haggard clothing hung loosely from his body as he plodded along the path that would lead him to That Fateful Place. His once porcupine-like blonde hair was now limp across his face, as he no longer saw the need to use half a gallon of hair gel every morning. His once-handsome face was now gaunt, his blue eyes haunted. Yes, Cloud Strife was but a shell of the former man that had been until the beginning of this disastrous fourth chapter.

"Aeristh..." he whispered, a single, crystalline, effervescent, and poignant tear sliding down his pale, skeletal, but still tragically beautiful, cheek, to hit the ground beneath him and mingle with the cold tears from the heavens.

The swordsman continued to wearily slog through the rain toward his destination, that single utterance and lonesome tear lost to the world of cold and rain forever.

Eventually, he made it to the large structure, and inside he found a staircase, blessedly unblocked by mysterious, glowing fish of any sort. Down he went, spiraling into the darkness as black as his wintry heart. Eventually he made it to the achingly familiar alter in the center of the pond that was, now and forever, the grave of the one woman he had ever loved. Yes, despite the fact that Cloud hadn't turned into an angst-muffin for discs 2 and 3, and he seemed to be completely over the death of the flower girl, Cloud was still tragically depressed over her death. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he was beginning to think that he could no longer live with Aeris there with him. But, a few days ago in a random bar that most definitely _wasn't_ Tifa's, because of course he could have absolutely no friendly or romantic interaction with another woman if this was to become an Aeris Resurrection Fic, he'd met a mysterious stranger.

"_Go to the pond below the biggest building in the Forgotten Capital. Drop 99 Tissues into the pond, and press down, up, triangle, x, square, circle, down, down, left, right, R1, R2, square, circle, triangle, L1, L2, L3, right, left, up, x, down, square, triangle, triangle, circle, down, down, left, right, up, square, R4, left, down, circle, triangle, select, R2, L1, down, x, square, triangle, circle, square and x, all while holding down select, and your beloved will return to you,_" the mysterious stranger had told him, before running off into the night, cackling. And so, the swordsman's journey had begun right then and there.

And now, he stood in the very pond that held the lifeless body of his beloved flower girl deep in its watery womb. And, despite the fact that I haven't mentioned it until now, he is holding a rather large white sack and a Playstation controller, though where he _got_ it is beyond me. In any case, he up-ended the sack, emptying the contents, 99 tissues, into the perfect, glassy, scintillating, hydrolyzing, implicating, shimmery water that he was standing in. Then, he proceeded to press the buttons of the controller in the precise order that the mysterious, if crazy, stranger in the bar told him.

Upon the pressing of the final 'x' button, there was a blinding flash of light, and the water began to stir, swirling rapidly into a whirlpool. Then, as suddenly as they appeared, the light and the whirlpool both vanished, leaving the pond as effervescent and tranquil as it had been. With a dejected sigh, Cloud stepped out of the pond, reflecting that he would have to buy a new pair of boots once he made it back to civilization.

A sudden splashing of water and a cacophony of choking gasps made their way to the swordsman's ears, and he whipped around, hope blooming in his frozen soul, to see...

...Zack, clawing his way to the surface of the pool, desperately trying to rid his lungs of the cold water of the pond.

Cloud found himself only capable of staring in equal parts horror and equal parts wonder at the dark-headed Soldier as he finally made it to the edge of the pond, wheezing and gasping for breath.

"Z-zack! What the hell! You're supposed to be Aeris!" Cloud suddenly roared, sending a quick glare at the ceiling. "This had _better_ not be a CloudxZack yaoi story, or so help me God, I'll-"

"Relax, Strife," Zack wheezed, climbing out of the pool. "You just pressed the wrong button combination. Y'see, you were supposed to press down, up, triangle, x, square, circle, down, down, left, right, R1, R2, square, circle, triangle, L1, L2, L3, right, left, up, x, down, square, triangle, triangle, circle, down, down, left, right, up, square, R4, left, down, circle, triangle, select, R2, L1, down, x, square, triangle, circle, square and x, but _you_ pushed down, up, triangle, x, square, circle, down, down, left, right, R1, R2, square, circle, triangle, L1, L2, L3, right, left, up, x, down, square, triangle, _square_, circle, down, down, left, right, up, square, R4, left, down, circle, triangle, select, R2, L1, down, x, square, triangle, circle, square and x."

Cloud fell to the ground, twitching, as the amazingly cheerful Zack wrung twenty or so gallons of water out of his long, black hair.

"So hey, what's happened since I died? Nobody ever resurrects _me_, so I really have no clue," the cheerful Soldier asked. Cloud just glared and stomped back to the staircase, muttering curses and death threats under his breath the entire way. Zack shrugged and followed behind him.

"Is Tifa still available? Or what about that cute little ninja girl you were running around with?" Zack called after his former best friend. Cloud just continued to stomp and mutter, trying his hardest to ignore the newly resurrected man.

On their way out of the shell-like building and back into the freezing rain, as frozen as Cloud's soul and every bit as bitter, they passed the Turks.

"He-ey! It's the Turks! What's happening?" Zack greeted. As one the three Turks blinked, looked from the furious Cloud to the cheerful Zack, and back to the furious Cloud.

"...this isn't one of those CloudxZack yaoi stories, is it?" Reno asked. Zack rolled his eyes.

"Naw, the idiot just pressed the wrong button combination. You're here to revive Tseng?" Zack replied. Elena nodded, her arms full of Tissues.

"Well, good luck with that. Just don't push the wrong button combination, or you could end up with Palmer..." Zack warned. All three Turks blanched in horror.

"Don't joke about things like that! (bleep)!" Reno swore. Elena just sighed.

"Don't worry about it, Reno. Rude's the one that's got the controller, remember? He won't make a mistake, will ya Rude?" Elena asked. The bald-headed Turk nodded, and the three of them continued into the building, Elena smiling at Zack, Rude nodding, and Reno giving the Soldier a handshake and a pat on the back.

"Hey, Cloud! Wait up!" Zack called, running to catch up with the furious ex-Soldier. Or, rather, _fake_ ex-Soldier, but who's counting?

A few months later, a twitching Cloud emptied the contents of the White Sack, which was predictably enough 99 Tissues, and began to enter the Fateful Button Combination onto the Playstation controller.

As Cloud busied himself with the ridiculously long button combination, a rather large group of people talked amongst themselves. Predictably enough, all of Avalanche was there to witness the miraculous Resurrection of their beloved Aeristh, especially since this was the tenth attempt on Cloud's part. As such, six other people stood with them.

The first was Zack, who was of course the first of Cloud's failed Aeris Ressurrection Attempts. He was telling a joke, with his arm companionably around Tifa's shoulders. Next to Zack was the ever-wise Bugenhagen, who had been resurrected second, much to Cloud's dismay. He was listening to Nanaki, who was explaining to Yuffie, Cid, Reeve, Cait Sith and Barret his theory on the Resurrection process, which we won't go into since it's long, boring, and has a lot of big words like "antidisestablishmentarianism" and "effervescent" in it.

Biggs, Wedge and Jesse were standing beside Barret. Jesse had been resurrected third, and Cloud had nearly kissed her before realizing that she _wasn't_ Aerith...Aeris...whatever. After her, Biggs had been resurrected, followed by Wedge. Barret and Tifa had been more than thrilled to see their old friends alive, but Cloud was becoming rapidly more annoyed. Just how many dead friends was he going to have to bring back before he got the (bleeeeeep) combination right!

Try number six had looked promising, but had only resulted in the resurrection of Hojo, who was immediately and brutally murdered by an irate Cloud. Aeris Resurrection Attempt Number Seven had also looked promising, but had only brought back Lucrecia. However, before her joyful reunion with Vincent and the subsequent angst-fest from herself, Vincent, and strangely enough Yuffie, an even more irate Cloud had accidentally killed _her_ as well.

Try number eight resulted in the resurrection of the always annoying President Shinra, who immediately met his death at the end of Cloud's sword. By try number 9, the Golden Saucer was just _giving_ the poor blonde-haired swordsman the 99 tissues, without making him lose painfully in battle to the monsters of the battle square. The result of try number nine was a strange, purple-haired woman that, upon closer inspection, was actually a _man_, who said his name was "Nuriko". This man-woman was laughing with Yuffie at Zack's joke at the moment.

And so, we have made our way to Aeris Resurrection Attempt Number Ten, which Cloud really _really_ hoped would be the last. He was just glad that he hadn't somehow managed to resurrect Sephiroth.

In any case, the pond flashed and whirled when the final 'x' button was pressed, and the large group of people, both alive and resurrected, turned to look. As usual, the pond was all effervescent and still and stuff for a brief moment, before a brown-haired woman wearing pink clawed her way to the surface, hacking and coughing. It took Cloud a couple of seconds to realize that, finally, he'd managed to revive his darling Aeristh. Once he did, though, he gallantly dashed to her aid.

"Aeris, my love! You have returned!" he emitted passionately.

"(bleep)!" the flower-girl cursed, still wheezing for breath.

_Everybody_ turned to look at her in shock.

"Aeris?" Yuffie asked, timidly.

"Once minute I'm in the middle of a nice, peaceful dream with unicorns and doves and kittens, and the next minute, I'm breathing in a gallon of cold (bleep)ing water!" the demure, fragile girl fumed. Cloud backed away from her, afraid.

"Er...sorry?" he apologized. Aeris sighed.

"Forget it. You'd think I'd be used to it after the other 14,567,135 resurrections," she deflated.

"Heya Aeris! Long time no see!" Zack exclaimed, waving at her cheerily. She waved back.

"Hi Zack! I was wondering why I couldn't find you in the Lifestream,"

"So, um..." Cloud started, getting Aerith's attention, "Since this is an Aeris Resurrection Fic, shouldn't we be all snuggly and cute, so that Tifa can run up and try to break our loving happiness apart?"

"Screw that, Cloud! You know I'm totally in love with Barret!" Aeris exclaimed, climbing out of the pool of her own volition and running joyfully into the black man's arms. Cloud just looked after her, a dazed expression on his face.

Cloud woke with a start, blue eyes looking wildly around the room in fear. Seeing no formerly dead flower girls lovingly embracing large, black men, he calmed down quite a bit, taking a few deep breaths, and realized that he was in a hotel room in the Rocket Town inn.

"What a disturbing dream," he whispered into the night air, flopping back down on his mattress with a sigh.

"You okay, Cloud?" Tifa called from the other side of the room.

"Yeah, Tifa. I just had this weird dream that I was being all emo over Aeristh's death, and I tried to resurrect her but I kept resurrecting weird people like Zack and Bugenhagen, and when I finally managed to resurrect Aeris, she declared that she was in love with Barret and ran over to him all lovey-dovey like," the blonde-haired man replied.

"Umm...Cloud? That actually happened," replied someone who was distinctly _not_ Tifa. Cloud started, and looked over in shock to see Zack behind Tifa, propped up on one elbow.

"Zack!" he demanded, stunned. Any other questions were sharply cut off, as he suddenly heard something that made his blood turn to ice.

"Oh! Barret!" Aeris called, from the room next to theirs. Cloud just twitched, burying his face in his pillow.

"Cloud?" Tifa asked, concerned.

"I'm going back to sleep. When I wake up, this had _better_ have been just a dream," he growled.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR

...effervescently. XD

Seriously, though. Point me at a good ZRF (Zack Resurrection Fic) and I'll love you forever. XD


End file.
